Here is a list of all the reptilians that we’re pretty sure are, or were, actually reptilians:
Taylor Swift
90% of U.S. Congress
Queen Elizabeth
Newt Gingrich
1.6 of the Kardashians
Ronan Farrow
Mark Ruffalo
Anderson Cooper
Tony Romo
Scott Disick
Lady Gaga
Marco Rubio
6-10 Mormons
Jessica Simpson
Angelina Jolie
George W. Bush
Salvador Dali
That weird guy 3 doors down
Dave Chapelle
Lupita Nyong’o
Tom Daly
Jeremy Clarkson
10% of scientologists
The Golden Medical Wastelands of Alepecco (Part 3 of 3)
The two men, dressed in button down shirts and dress pants, one wearing a jacket, walked through the front double doors of the steakhouse. They stood at the top of a dramatic staircase that cascaded to the basement. Joseph Alepecco noted how the town really came alive at night; there were significantly more people on the streets and in the businesses than during the day. Half of the two level Blue or Red sat underground. The upper half stretched up with large leaded glass window. Sconces, drapes and art decorated the walls in smatterings as the textured panels met the wood floor.
On the way to the reception desk, Dr. Jake Carson ran into a coworker from the Landpill Corp. Despite their best efforts, the coworker insisted on a table for three. A very twitchy waiter brought them glasses of water and a bottle of wine for the table. She walked back into the kitchen with their appetizer order through an arch illuminated by a black light and decorative shade. The woman’s skin glowed bright; and when another waiter passed her, the two of them seemed to radiate light like a full moon in a black sky.
Throughout dinner, Joseph Alepecco gleaned information about the scorpion milk project, or as it was officially titled, Project Golden.
He listened as he watched the wait staff come and go from the kitchen as if they were putting on a choreographed light show. He had his attention ripped from the oddity, when the two Alepecco men began questioning him about his employment. The two Alepecco men rarely met someone who worked in the outside world. Both men were quite impressed with Joseph Alepecco’s success in advertising and marketing. The forceful coworker requested that a presentation be given on advertising, marketing and brand strategy the next day at 11 am. Joseph Alepecco was still protesting that it was far too quick to pull something decent together and that this was his vacation. The arrival of their main courses indicated that Joseph Alepecco had lost and would indeed be going to the Landpill Corp. the next morning.
When Joseph Alepecco ran the final spell check on the presentation at 9am. The doctor had been asleep on the hotel bed for the past 20 minutes. Joseph Alepecco set his alarm for a brief nap. When he awoke, he shook the doctor awake, changed and packed his laptop in its leather pouch. The two men stopped at the cafe to get a breakfast to go and Jake stopped at home to change. The pair walked into the lobby of Landpill Corp. The opulence of the lobby was similar to the hotel he stayed in. This company had obviously poured money into all blocks of the town.
The security guard at the front desk took Joseph Alepecco’s ID and then handed both it and his name scribbled on a temporary day pass. The doctor waited for him in the marble elevator alcove; he hit the button when he saw Joseph Alepecco awarded his passage. They waited alone, surrounded by the white veins of the stone slabs, for the elevator. When it finally arrived, they entered a cocoon of even more gold-accented marble and silk. The whir of 15 floors went by, punctuated by the sounds of the men occasionally sipping their coffee. Exiting on the top floor, they emerged into another luxe lobby. Behind a curtain of glass, a giant conference room that took up the entirety of the floor.
“Is the use of this floor economical?” whispered Joseph Alepecco to Jake.
The man from the previous night greeted them and ushered them through the doors to a large conference table stretching over half the length of the building comfortably. There were 5 other people clustered around the table.
“This is Alice, our head of IT. She’ll get you set up with anything you need. In the meantime, can I get you anything?” asked the man.
“Just a water,” said Joseph Alepecco and Doctor Carson motioned for one as well.
Alice hooked up the laptop quickly and flicked on the projector with a gesture. The first page of the presentation blinked to life against the glass of the window. The man came back with water. He handed a bottle to Joseph Alepecco. It was outfitted with the Landpill Corp. logo and had the appearance of watered down milk.
“The scorpion milk is in the water here,” whispered Jake to him. “I should’ve told you. I have a bottle of water in my bag if you want real water.”
“Rejecting your client's product in a meeting where you’re talking about the strategy for said product is not the best idea,” pointed out Joseph Alepecco, and took a giant sip of the milk water.
During the presentation, he outlined his process and suggestions, even requesting that the Landpill Corp. hire experts in the beverage chemistry field. Throughout it he noticed the men and women around the room nodding and scribbling notes. He also noticed how great he felt; he felt amazing actually. When he got to the end, instead of asking if there were any questions, Joseph Alepecco asked a question.
“Is the reason I feel amazing right now because of the Project Golden?”
There was a mumble amongst the seated members. Their dinner companion cleared his throat.
“It is. Can you help us with it?” he asked.
“I can. Obviously, I have a lot of questions and you have a lot of decisions to make, but this could be something we could sell. A lot of it.”
In the following year, Joseph Alepecco, Dr. Jake Carson, and the Landpill Corp. made multiple trips, hours of research, and quietly developed a release for Project Golden. While the introduction was subdued, the growth of the sales of their product, Scorpion Ebola, skyrocketed in the next 5 years. The beverage managed to win acclaim from doctors, CEOs, dentists, politicians, philosophers, and designers. Their detractors only reason for disliking it was “I just don’t trust it,” with no other proof but their feelings.
Joseph Alepecco moved to Alepecco where he married Dr. Jake Carson. They lived for years together enjoying the royalties from Scorpion Ebola. They continued to work at and for the Landpill Corp. developing and marketing new products. Their fortune grew and Joseph Alepecco watched the town of Alepecco grow to a 6 block by 6 block oasis. When both the partners had passed, various golden plaques were hung to commemorate the benefactors. The theatre named a box after them; at Blue or Red - a table; a wing in the library too. Five generations polished the plaques and were inspired by the carved letters over shelves and rows of books.
The generations marched forward with Scorpion Ebola fueling them.
No one at Landpill Corp. could have realized or imagined the long-term effects of the pills on the local scorpion population or the human reaction to Scorpion Ebola.
Scorpions communicate using pheromones and vibration, but there were no studies over generations that tracked the effects of human consumption of Scorpion Ebola with real hand-milked scorpion milk in conjunction with the effects of the pills on scorpions. They would have found out, too late still, that those who drank Scorpion Ebola became susceptible to the ruthless communicative hold of the mentally dominant pilled-up scorpions. The boom of Alepecco was lived, not shortly or longly, but averagely until the always inevitable downfall. The scorpions took control of the humans and their sandy, golden town, before waxing outward into the great big expanse.
The Golden Medical Wasteland of Alepecco (Part 2)
The chicken pesto was sandwiched in between the most buttery croissant Joseph Alepecco had ever tasted The owner came out to talk to them. Evidently, he and Lucille went to high school together. The owner told Joseph Alepecco how the Landpill Corp. paid to send him to some of the most prestigious baking schools around the world. The table’s conversation ended with the baker recommending a trip to Blue or Red because it was the best steak place in the world.
A hissing interrupted Joseph Alepecco and Lucille’s subsequent conversation; she explained the sound was the noise the sand made as the wind hummed along its surface. They resumed the tour again. When they reached the end of the block, the city halted in a crisp line. His eyes followed the road out into the desert. A family of scorpions waited until the wind died down, emerged from their hole in the wall, and marched down the street.
“What’s down that road?” he asked Lucille. A large rattling truck in the near distance kicked up a cloud of dust as it started up.
“That’s the landpill,” she replied.
“Doesn’t having that many pills running off into the water and environment kinda screw things up?”
“We live in the desert. Not a lot of water washing stuff away.” said Lucille.
“Wouldn’t the wind erode the pill hills?.”
Lucille wasn’t really listening any more. She was looking back towards the center of town. She checked the time on her phone and offhandedly replied, “I have to work in a bit. We should head back. “
“Can I talk to someone about the landpill? Or maybe the doctor?” Joseph Alepecco was trying to plan out the rest of his time in the town.
“Let’s go back to the hotel and I can help you plan the rest of your trip.”
After a quick planning session in the bar, Lucille had equipped Joseph Alepecco with a full docket to explore his namesake. He had a private tour of the National Landpill Museum, a meeting with a public relations person from the Landpill Corp. and the mayor of Alepecco, a meeting with the only doctor in town, the pharmacist, tickets to a play, an art gallery opening, the planetarium, and dinner reservations for every night. Most of these things Lucille had pointed out with the swan-like grace of an expert flight attendant. She had just left to begin her shift. The bartender, who had been eavesdropping, recommended that he have dinner at Blue or Red. He noticed it was missing from his itinerary and couldn’t let the visitor leave without visiting the best steakhouse in the world.
Joseph Alepecco finished off his afternoon with his tour of the museum. He reviewed the museum on Yelp with 5 stars; three for the quality of the museum and two for the slightly sarcastic tour guide he made out with in the coat room. Then he went to dinner at the international restaurant called Restaurant International. This month’s chef had made his living doing historic, gastronomic Mayan dishes.
The next morning Joseph Alepecco sat down with the mayor and the public relations person from the Landpill Corp. The mayor mostly said “my approval rate is one of the highest in the country.” The public relations person mostly said “No comment” including to the question “What is your favorite color?”
At noon, Joseph Alepecco went to the deli. He ate his lunch outside - no one else was eating outside. It was, what many people would describe, as oppressively hot, though he was surprisingly content. A man scuttled stooped over across the road chasing three black dots. The man he made out with in the coat room of the museum was chasing after a trail of scorpions. The scorpions and their pursuer disappeared behind a building.
Joseph Alepecco pondered the sight he’d just witnessed while eating the last bites of his lunch. He thought about stopping at the museum to ask the curator why he was chasing the scorpions, but he decided against it. He walked to his appointment at the doctor’s office in the 2 story ring of town.
“Hi, I’m Joseph Alepecco. I have an appointment with Dr. Carson” said Joseph Alepecco after he’d been unnoticed by Dr. Carson’s secretary for a full 16 minutes even though he’d stood standing at the counter and the secretary was looking straight at him.
“Right. I was wondering when you were going to tell me who you were,” she said now looking down at the computer. “You’ll be in room 6. Down the hall to the left,” the secretary buzzed Joseph Alepecco in. “Oh, if you’re new in town, you should have a meal at Blue or Red. They have the best steaks in the world,” she yelled after him as he passed through the door.
He walked back down the hall to the left into the room that said six. There were no places to sit so he stood, reading the informational pamphlets and posters. Eight minutes later, the doctor came in through the open doorway.
Joseph Alepecco turned around to see the man he made out with - the museum curator - was the same person as the doctor and the same person who was chasing the scorpions across the street.
“You’re my appointment for today?” exclaimed the doctor.
“I am,” said Joseph Alepecco, after a pause. “I, uh, want to know more about the town and the Landpill’s effects on people’s health who live here.”
“Oh. So you’re….”
“Not here to see you. Intentionally. But accidentally. It’s pleasant. A, uh, nice surprise. Or actually first you’re the doctor and the museum curator? Also, why were you chasing scorpions on the street?”
“Yeah. I forget that there are people who would find this really strange,” said the doctor. “I am the doctor and the museum curator. Like I said you’re my only appointment for today. So I have some free time for a second job.”
“The scorpion chasing?”
“I was trying to catch them.”
“Because you were playing tag with them?”
“For research.”
“Did you kill them?”
“Oh no. I just catch them for their milk and then release them.”
“You catch scorpions to milk them for medical research?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a doctor and since I moved to Alepecco I have, on average, one patient every few weeks. That’s it. Everyone is extremely healthy and they all have terrible diets,” the doctor paused. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.”
“Is your name really Joseph Alepecco?”
“Yes,” said Joseph Alepecco. “I googled myself one night drunk and found this place. And I took my vacation here.”
“That is one of the weirdest reasons I’ve ever heard for taking a vacation,” said the doctor whose name was incidentally Jake.
“You chase scorpions.”
“Professionally. Do you, maybe, want to watch me milk a scorpion?”
“See this is why you go on vacations in towns that have the same name as you: to see scorpions being milked” said Joseph Alepecco.
The two men walked into another room in the doctor’s office. On the table was the family of scorpions curiously poking around their container. One by one by one, Doctor Jake Carson milked the scorpions and Joseph Alepecco hovered in fascination.
“So what do you actually do with the milk?” Joseph Alepecco asked as the drops splashed down.
“Wait… you don’t work for the government do you?” asked Jake, now slightly nervous.
“I have an ad firm and I cosplay as Will Ferrell from Stranger Than Fiction every year for Comic-Con,” replied Joseph Alepecco. “Not a government drone.”
“Well… uh, we, uh, the company may or may not be testing a new, uh, ‘thing,’” the doctor even made quotes in the air with his hands, “to see if the chemicals in the environment have an effect on health. I mean… I have so few appointments. The ‘studies,’ the doctor made air quotes again, “if they did exist, are, or could be, remarkably promising.”
“What kind of promising? Save the world kind or like it isn’t total shit kind?”
“Somewhere in between. This potential, theoretical ‘thing’ could be helpful, but not a miracle drug.”
“Do you want to come to dinner with me tonight?” blurted out Joseph Alepecco to the doctor he had previously made out with. The thought had been in the back of his mind since he had watched Jake milk the scorpions. It had surfaced and popped into reality without his full intention.
Doctor Jake Carson smiled and accepted, and Joseph Alepecco asked if he could borrow the office phone to change his reservation for dinner because his phone had died.
“Have you been to Blue or Red yet? If not, we should go. It’s got the best steaks in the world,” the doctor offered.
“Why does everyone keep asking that? Is it a full moon?”
“Did you know that even though humans view a full moon for three days, a real full moon only lasts for a split second? By the time you think you’ve seen it, it’s already waning,” Joseph Alepecco was looking quizzically at the doctor. “I also volunteer at the planetarium in my spare time. And about Blue or Red - full disclosure - it’s community owned. We all get a share of the profits. But they do also have 4 Michelin stars…” he trailed off.
