The chicken pesto was sandwiched in between the most buttery croissant Joseph Alepecco had ever tasted The owner came out to talk to them. Evidently, he and Lucille went to high school together. The owner told Joseph Alepecco how the Landpill Corp. paid to send him to some of the most prestigious baking schools around the world. The table’s conversation ended with the baker recommending a trip to Blue or Red because it was the best steak place in the world.
A hissing interrupted Joseph Alepecco and Lucille’s subsequent conversation; she explained the sound was the noise the sand made as the wind hummed along its surface. They resumed the tour again. When they reached the end of the block, the city halted in a crisp line. His eyes followed the road out into the desert. A family of scorpions waited until the wind died down, emerged from their hole in the wall, and marched down the street.
“What’s down that road?” he asked Lucille. A large rattling truck in the near distance kicked up a cloud of dust as it started up.
“That’s the landpill,” she replied.
“Doesn’t having that many pills running off into the water and environment kinda screw things up?”
“We live in the desert. Not a lot of water washing stuff away.” said Lucille.
“Wouldn’t the wind erode the pill hills?.”
Lucille wasn’t really listening any more. She was looking back towards the center of town. She checked the time on her phone and offhandedly replied, “I have to work in a bit. We should head back. “
“Can I talk to someone about the landpill? Or maybe the doctor?” Joseph Alepecco was trying to plan out the rest of his time in the town.
“Let’s go back to the hotel and I can help you plan the rest of your trip.”
After a quick planning session in the bar, Lucille had equipped Joseph Alepecco with a full docket to explore his namesake. He had a private tour of the National Landpill Museum, a meeting with a public relations person from the Landpill Corp. and the mayor of Alepecco, a meeting with the only doctor in town, the pharmacist, tickets to a play, an art gallery opening, the planetarium, and dinner reservations for every night. Most of these things Lucille had pointed out with the swan-like grace of an expert flight attendant. She had just left to begin her shift. The bartender, who had been eavesdropping, recommended that he have dinner at Blue or Red. He noticed it was missing from his itinerary and couldn’t let the visitor leave without visiting the best steakhouse in the world.
Joseph Alepecco finished off his afternoon with his tour of the museum. He reviewed the museum on Yelp with 5 stars; three for the quality of the museum and two for the slightly sarcastic tour guide he made out with in the coat room. Then he went to dinner at the international restaurant called Restaurant International. This month’s chef had made his living doing historic, gastronomic Mayan dishes.
The next morning Joseph Alepecco sat down with the mayor and the public relations person from the Landpill Corp. The mayor mostly said “my approval rate is one of the highest in the country.” The public relations person mostly said “No comment” including to the question “What is your favorite color?”
At noon, Joseph Alepecco went to the deli. He ate his lunch outside - no one else was eating outside. It was, what many people would describe, as oppressively hot, though he was surprisingly content. A man scuttled stooped over across the road chasing three black dots. The man he made out with in the coat room of the museum was chasing after a trail of scorpions. The scorpions and their pursuer disappeared behind a building.
Joseph Alepecco pondered the sight he’d just witnessed while eating the last bites of his lunch. He thought about stopping at the museum to ask the curator why he was chasing the scorpions, but he decided against it. He walked to his appointment at the doctor’s office in the 2 story ring of town.
“Hi, I’m Joseph Alepecco. I have an appointment with Dr. Carson” said Joseph Alepecco after he’d been unnoticed by Dr. Carson’s secretary for a full 16 minutes even though he’d stood standing at the counter and the secretary was looking straight at him.
“Right. I was wondering when you were going to tell me who you were,” she said now looking down at the computer. “You’ll be in room 6. Down the hall to the left,” the secretary buzzed Joseph Alepecco in. “Oh, if you’re new in town, you should have a meal at Blue or Red. They have the best steaks in the world,” she yelled after him as he passed through the door.
He walked back down the hall to the left into the room that said six. There were no places to sit so he stood, reading the informational pamphlets and posters. Eight minutes later, the doctor came in through the open doorway.
Joseph Alepecco turned around to see the man he made out with - the museum curator - was the same person as the doctor and the same person who was chasing the scorpions across the street.
“You’re my appointment for today?” exclaimed the doctor.
“I am,” said Joseph Alepecco, after a pause. “I, uh, want to know more about the town and the Landpill’s effects on people’s health who live here.”
“Oh. So you’re….”
“Not here to see you. Intentionally. But accidentally. It’s pleasant. A, uh, nice surprise. Or actually first you’re the doctor and the museum curator? Also, why were you chasing scorpions on the street?”
“Yeah. I forget that there are people who would find this really strange,” said the doctor. “I am the doctor and the museum curator. Like I said you’re my only appointment for today. So I have some free time for a second job.”
“The scorpion chasing?”
“I was trying to catch them.”
“Because you were playing tag with them?”
“For research.”
“Did you kill them?”
“Oh no. I just catch them for their milk and then release them.”
“You catch scorpions to milk them for medical research?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a doctor and since I moved to Alepecco I have, on average, one patient every few weeks. That’s it. Everyone is extremely healthy and they all have terrible diets,” the doctor paused. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.”
“Is your name really Joseph Alepecco?”
“Yes,” said Joseph Alepecco. “I googled myself one night drunk and found this place. And I took my vacation here.”
“That is one of the weirdest reasons I’ve ever heard for taking a vacation,” said the doctor whose name was incidentally Jake.
“You chase scorpions.”
“Professionally. Do you, maybe, want to watch me milk a scorpion?”
“See this is why you go on vacations in towns that have the same name as you: to see scorpions being milked” said Joseph Alepecco.
The two men walked into another room in the doctor’s office. On the table was the family of scorpions curiously poking around their container. One by one by one, Doctor Jake Carson milked the scorpions and Joseph Alepecco hovered in fascination.
“So what do you actually do with the milk?” Joseph Alepecco asked as the drops splashed down.
“Wait… you don’t work for the government do you?” asked Jake, now slightly nervous.
“I have an ad firm and I cosplay as Will Ferrell from Stranger Than Fiction every year for Comic-Con,” replied Joseph Alepecco. “Not a government drone.”
“Well… uh, we, uh, the company may or may not be testing a new, uh, ‘thing,’” the doctor even made quotes in the air with his hands, “to see if the chemicals in the environment have an effect on health. I mean… I have so few appointments. The ‘studies,’ the doctor made air quotes again, “if they did exist, are, or could be, remarkably promising.”
“What kind of promising? Save the world kind or like it isn’t total shit kind?”
“Somewhere in between. This potential, theoretical ‘thing’ could be helpful, but not a miracle drug.”
“Do you want to come to dinner with me tonight?” blurted out Joseph Alepecco to the doctor he had previously made out with. The thought had been in the back of his mind since he had watched Jake milk the scorpions. It had surfaced and popped into reality without his full intention.
Doctor Jake Carson smiled and accepted, and Joseph Alepecco asked if he could borrow the office phone to change his reservation for dinner because his phone had died.
“Have you been to Blue or Red yet? If not, we should go. It’s got the best steaks in the world,” the doctor offered.
“Why does everyone keep asking that? Is it a full moon?”
“Did you know that even though humans view a full moon for three days, a real full moon only lasts for a split second? By the time you think you’ve seen it, it’s already waning,” Joseph Alepecco was looking quizzically at the doctor. “I also volunteer at the planetarium in my spare time. And about Blue or Red - full disclosure - it’s community owned. We all get a share of the profits. But they do also have 4 Michelin stars…” he trailed off.